ELLISON TO GRADS: DIPLOMAS ARE FOR LOSERS

Oracle CEO Urges Students to Drop out, Start up

NEW HAVEN, CONN. (SatireWire.com)
— In one of the more controversial commencement addresses in
memory, Oracle CEO and college dropout Larry Ellison told Yale's Class
of 2000 they were "losers" whose hard-won diplomas would never propel
them into the ranks of the super rich.

The evangelical Ellison, noting
that college dropouts Bill Gates, Paul Allen, and Michael Dell were,
like himself, on Forbes' recent top 10 list of billionaires, urged
freshmen and sophomores at the ceremony to "drop out and start up," and
added that the undereducated Yale security guards who ushered him off
stage probably had a better shot at uber-wealth than graduating seniors.

What follows is a transcript of the speech delivered by Ellison at the Yale University last month:
"Graduates of Yale University, I
apologize if you have endured this type of prologue before, but I want
you to do something for me. Please, take a good look around you. Look
at the classmate on your left. Look at the classmate on your right.
Now, consider this: five years from now, 10 years from now, even 30
thirty years from now, odds are the person on your left is going to be
a loser. The person on your right, meanwhile, will also be a loser. And
you, in the middle? What can you expect? Loser. Loserhood. Loser Cum
Laude.

"In fact, as I look out before
me today, I don't see a thousand hopes for a bright tomorrow. I don't
see a thousand future leaders in a thousand industries. I see a
thousand losers.

"You're upset. That's
understandable. After all, how can I, Lawrence 'Larry' Ellison, college
dropout, have the audacity to spout such heresy to the graduating class
of one of the nation's most prestigious institutions? I'll tell you
why. Because I, Lawrence "Larry" Ellison, second richest man on the
planet, am a college dropout, and you are not.

"Because Bill Gates, richest man on the planet -- for now, anyway -- is a college dropout, and you are not.

"Because Paul Allen, the third richest man on the planet, dropped out of college, and you did not.

"And for good measure, because
Michael Dell, No. 9 on the list and moving up fast, is a college
dropout, and you, yet again, are not.

"Hmm... you're very upset.
That's understandable. So let me stroke your egos for a moment by
pointing out, quite sincerely, that your diplomas were not attained in
vain. Most of you, I imagine, have spent four to five years here, and
in many ways what you've learned and endured will serve you well in the
years ahead. You've established good work habits. You've established a
network of people that will help you down the road. And you've
established what will be lifelong relationships with the word
'therapy.' All that of is good. For in truth, you will need that
network. You will need those strong work habits. You will need that
therapy.

"You will need them because you
didn't drop out, and so you will never be among the richest people in
the world. Oh sure, you may, perhaps, work your way up to No. 10 or No.
11, like Steve Ballmer. But then, I don't have to tell you who he
really works for, do I? And for the record, he dropped out of grad
school. Bit of a late bloomer.

"Finally, I realize that many of
you, and hopefully by now most of you, are wondering, 'Is there
anything I can do? Is there any hope for me at all?' Actually, no. It's
too late. You've absorbed too much, think you know too much. You're not
19 anymore. You have a built-in cap, and I'm not referring to the
mortar boards on your heads.

"Hmm... you're really very
upset. That's understandable. So perhaps this would be a good time to
bring up the silver lining. Not for you, Class of '00. You are a
write-off, so I'll let you slink off to your pathetic $200,000-a-year
jobs, where your checks will be signed by former classmates who dropped
out two years ago.

"Instead, I want to give hope to
any underclassmen here today. I say to you, and I can't stress this
enough: leave. Pack your things and your ideas and don't come back.
Drop out. Start up.

"For I can tell you that a cap
and gown will keep you down just as suredly as these security guards
dragging me off this stage are keeping me dow..."